I do this annually, and it’s hilarious every year. A team composed of the biggest douchebags in baseball:
CATCHER: AJ Pierzynski, Chicago White Sox
Pierzynski might be the most hated player in baseball. Oh wait, no he actually IS the most hated player in baseball. I could list a million reasons why he’s a douchebag, but I think this picture sums it up pretty well:
BLEACH BLONDE HAIR. Yeah he’s a douche. In a twist of irony, I saw an anti-bullying video the White Sox were playing before a game. AJ Pierzynski had a spot in it. If he had said “If you bully anybody, I’ll bully you”, that might be understandable. But no. AJ Pierzysnki wants us to stop bullying people. Think about that for a second.
Honorable mention: Yadier Molina, St. Louis Cardinals
FIRST BASE: Nick Swisher, New York Yankees
Swisher is by far the funnest player for me to hate. His douchebagness grows exponentially because of how much Nick Swisher loves to talk about Nick Swisher and how Nick Swisher thinks everybody loves Nick Swisher. Wikipedia describes him as having an “egregious personality”. Translation: he’s a self-absorbed douchenoozle. I leave you with this picture:
Honorable mention: Aubrey Huff, San Francisco Giants
SECOND BASE: Brandon Phillips, Cincinnati Reds
Brandon Phillips has a huge ego and loves to run his mouth. He also loves to show off and makes unnecessary flashy plays on a regular basis. He consistently whines about the St. Louis Cardinals being whiners (which is hilariously hypocritical if you think about it). Oh and he blocked me on Twitter for heckling him about botching a routine play.
Honorable mention: Dan Uggla, Atlanta Braves
SHORTSTOP: Hanley Ramirez, Los Angeles Dodgers
Hanley is a horrible teammate. There are countless stories of him not hustling and being a cancer in the Marlins’ clubhouse. I blame him for the Marlins collapse. He wanted to be a leader on the team, and he responded by basically forcing his way out of Miami by slacking off to a level that only Manny Ramirez could ever achieve. With all that said, I almost picked Jimmy Rollins here until I remembered that Hanley Ramirez has a bat that he writes all his haters’ twitter handles/names on. ADD MY NAME TO THE BAT HANLEY. DO IT.
Honorable mention: Jimmy Rollins, Philadelphia Phillies
THIRD BASE: Alex Rodriguez, New York Yankees
I’m aware that A-Rod is a charitable guy. I respect that. However, he has a list of offenses that is just too ridiculous to ignore. He “inadvertently” slapped a ball out of Bronson Arroyo’s glove during the 2004 ALCS and tried to play it off like it didn’t happen, he pissed off Dallas Braden (to be fair Braden is a dick too but A-Rod certainly encouraged it by being a douchebag), and he has been quoted as saying that he’d rather have Jose Reyes leading off for his team than Derek Jeter. There’s also his obsession with centaurs. A-Rod is either a douchebag or he is the most oblivious idiot I’ve ever heard of.
Honorable mention: Evan Longoria, Tampa Bay Rays
LEFT FIELD: Delmon Young, Detroit Tigers
He gets on the team solely because of this. His past history certainly doesn’t help either. As someone who is Jewish, screw you Delmon Young. You have earned yourself a permanent spot on this team.
Honorable mention: Johnny Damon, Cleveland Indians
CENTER FIELD: Nyjer Morgan, Milwaukee Brewers
I’d compare Nyjer to that stupid cocky kid in high school who for some reason thought he was better than everyone, but in reality, wasn’t actually that good. Nyjer has never turned down an opportunity to run his mouth, has an almost hilariously unhealthy obsession with hating the Cardinals, and in general is extremely annoying. Let’s review his suspension record though:
- He had a week in which he almost injured two catchers and started a bench-clearing brawl
So I ask you not why Nyjer Morgan is a douchebag, but rather why ISN’T he a douchebag?
RIGHT FIELD: Logan Morrison, Miami Marlins
Logan Morrison is very similar to Nick Swisher. He’s extremely arrogant and loves to call out people who think he sucks at his job. One difference: Nick Swisher is sort of a decent player. He’s at least accomplished something relevant in his career. Logan Morrison just outright sucks. When you’re batting .230 with 11 homers and your OPS is a laughable .707, you PROBABLY shouldn’t be calling out people for saying you suck. Because quite frankly, you do suck. Oh yeah, and he blocked me on twitter for saying that he should spend more time in the batting cages and less time on twitter.
In defense of Bryce Harper: I know everyone will say Harper is a douche. He plays the game hard and he has only one isolated “douchebag” incident. The guy has a ton of respect for his opponents, and he even admitted that he hoped that Chipper Jones would win the Final Vote over him. That gets him an eternal “Get Out Of Douchebag Jail Free” card from me. I’d really like to hear why people view him as a douchebag. I’ll concede he looks like one, but he’s not actually a douchebag.
STARTING PITCHER: Josh Beckett, Los Angeles Dodgers
Extremely selfish individual who plays golf when he’s supposed to be injured? CHECK. Extremely confrontational to the media? CHECK. Acts like he’s entitled when he sucks? CHECK. Looks like he belongs on Jersey Shore? CHECK. Yeah, he’s a douchebag alright.
CLOSER: Jose Valverde, Detroit Tigers
Most closers are douchebags simply because they tend to have extremely… eccentric personalities, to put it politely. I could have gone with several people here. Jonathan Papelbon is always a good choice if being a douchebag is involved. Brian Wilson refers to his beard in the third person and is probably not completely sane. Chris Perez insults his own fans. Kyle Farnsworth will probably wind up being a serial killer at some point in his life if he is not one already. However, none of the listed are nearly as egotistical as Valverde. None of the listed pitchers dance like a drunk idiot after every save.
MANAGER: Bobby Valentine, Boston Red Sox
I don’t even need to explain why Bobby V is a douchebag. He’s the DEFINITION of a douchebag.
I probably forgot some people. Tell me what you think!